...I'm happy today...

Its just been a very good day for me today. Class was great, learned a lot, which is always good. Afterwards, I had to stay late for some paperwork for the State which is paying for my classes. In doing so, I also got to talk some with my teacher...ya know, some one on one where I could ask some more indepth questions about today's subject. It was really good. This afternoon, I went and bought a new Robin Cook book, Invasion....I enjoyed Chromosone 6 so much I wanted to read something else by him. I'm already hooked on it! I almost didn't go out tonight to meet with friends because I wanted to continue reading! I'm glad I did go out though....we had a wonderful time.

Now, I'm getting ready to head to bed, read some more of course and hopefully not stay up too late doing so because I have class again tomorrow and I almost overslept this morning!! Tomorrow afternoon I have to take Lacy back to the vet. I thought she was getting better, but she's really not. Its looking like the problem is up between her shoulder blades, or in the left shoulder itself. I don't know. I just want her to stop hurting! She's such a beautiful little girl, and my pride and joy. I love her soooooo much!

Anyway, overall a really good day and I know there are plenty more to come!

~God does not send us despair to kill us; He sends it in order to awaken us to a new life!~

Three day weekends are great, especially right now when I'm in class every day!

I worked through some tough things this weekend; which is really good! Today has been a really peaceful day overall. I just got home a bit ago from spending time with some friends in a healthy atmosphere.

Its funny, I'm still amazed how many friends I've made since I've moved here. In Michigan with Jim, I never had my own friends really. Here, I do! Friends who like me for -me-, not looking at me to be something I'm not. Its a really great feeling. My cell phone rings more often now than it ever did while I was still living up there!

Part of that may be because I'm more open now to other people. I don't feel I need to hide myself anymore. Don't get me wrong though, I still have my quirks!

I'm also learning new things that I've always wanted to do, but really couldn't living in the situation in my marriage. Everything was about Jim, make him happy, do what he wanted me to do. Being out of that situation I'm able to see the things I enjoy, without worrying if it was something that he would 'approve' of, or tell me I couldn't do.

And oh! Man I'm getting in a better physical condition than I've ever been. Wearing a size 4 and still able to....okay, nevermind there! I actually love the way I look right now!

~God does not send us despair to kill us; He sends it in order to awaken us to a new life!~

....finding out the truth...

Without going into details right now, finding out the truth is a true relief for me. All the things that I couldn't comprehend, now make sense. Hence...RELIEF!

I'm so grateful I'm where I am right now in my life!

~God does not send us despair to kill us; He sends it in order to awaken us to a new life!~

...we were actually talking about this in class today...

...and then I saw this article! Acceptance, forgiveness, and release is truly a wonderful feeling.

[link]

~God does not send us despair to kill us; He sends it in order to awaken us to a new life!~

Today has been incredible already!

My friend Ana called me this morning and woke me up. She wanted me to go to the breakfast thing with her. At first, I just wanted to crawl back in bed and sleep some more, since this -is- Saturday ya know! Well, I'm really glad I didn't now. I had more fun than I've had in some time. I also met someone that, how do I put this....well, I found him -extremely- attractive. That was a huge thing for me really. I say that because for years I just thought Jim was the only man I'd ever find attractive. It showed me that I'm finally starting to heal and move forward in my life! It was really cool, he's a huge NASCAR fan too!

Anyway, after I got home, my cousin Ryan called. I just found out that he met Darrell Waltrip this week! I can't believe it, he didn't even recognize him!! I just got done telling him that he needs to stick around me when the race season starts so I can educate him on who's who in the NASCAR world! We're going to see if we can get tickets to Darlington this spring. If not there, possibly Richmond. Lowes is the last choice really, even though its so close, I prefer 'short tracks' and have always wanted to go to a race at the 'Track Too Tough To Tame!'

Anyway, good day, had a great time with my friends, enjoying family, and oh! Lacy is finally starting to get better!!

Hope y'all are having a great weekend too!

~God does not send us despair to kill us; He sends it to awaken us to a new life!~ I love that quote!

its been hard, yet good!

I've learned a lot today...and to me, any day I learn something new, its a good day!

Something I learned yesterday...

A man who will threaten harm on an animal just to retaliate against someone he is angry at, is an abusive individual and does not respect himself or anyone else.

...by Rudyard Kipling

There is sorrow enough in the natural way
From men and women to fill our day;
And when we are certain of sorrow in store,
Why do we always arrange for more?
Brothers and Sisters, I bid you beware
Of giving your heart to a dog to tear.
Buy a pup and your money will buy
Love unflinching that cannot lie—
Perfect passion and worship fed
By a kick in the ribs or a pat on the head.
Nevertheless it is hardly fair
To risk your heart for a dog to tear.

When the fourteen years which Nature permits
Are closing in asthma, or tumour, or fits,
And the vet’s unspoken prescription runs
To lethal chambers or loaded guns,
Then you will find—it’s your own affair—
But . . . you’ve given your heart to a dog to tear.

When the body that lived at your single will,
With its whimper of welcome, is stilled (how still!).
When the spirit that answered your every mood
Is gone—wherever it goes—for good,
You will discover how much you care,
And will give your heart to a dog to tear.

We’ve sorrow enough in the natural way,
When it comes to burying Christian clay.
Our loves are not given, but only lent,
At compound interest of cent per cent.
Though it is not always the case, I believe,
That the longer we’ve kept ’em, the more do we grieve.
For, when debts are payable, right or wrong,
A short-time loan is as bad as a long—
So why in—Heaven (before we are there)
Should we give our hearts to a dog to tear?

....talked to Dr. Connell tonight..

Lacy is still in a lot of pain. I have to call Marcia back tomorrow and have her records faxed down here to show what we've been successful before with the Dex.

I'm really worried about her, the 'Golden Puppy' as Dr. Connell calls her!

Lot's of prayers are requested for her right now!

....busy, busy, busy!

Its been a busy day today! I went over and took care of a friend's dogs that I'm watching while he's gone this week. A Golden Retriever and a Norwegian Elkhound. I'm going twice a day to make sure they're fed, watered, and running time in the yard of course. They're really cute! The Golden is like this big puppy, and the Elkhound is just funny to watch. He likes to get under the bushes and use them to scratch his back! So, that's what I did this morning after I got my own dogs outside. Then, I had my hair cut and coloured by my cousin Mary. Wow!!!! She did a great job! With the new year, new life, and all the changes, I let her do what she wanted....and I actually love it! I haven't changed the style of my hair in YEARS! I like this though! She was telling me that I should take advantage of having a hair stylist in the family now that I live here...lol I think I will, she's really good! She's the one that actually did my hair for my marriage to Jerry and I loved how she did it then, and I love it now even more! We're going to let the top grow out a bit more too, but the highlights she put it, well, actually 'highlights' and 'lowlights' are really great.

After getting my hair done, my cousin Chandra and I took my dog Lacy to the Neurologist. So far, so good there. He wants to give her a couple more weeks to see if we can avoid surgery on her back. I really liked him. It sure doesn't hurt that he has dachshunds himself, so he really knows the breed! So, prayers for her full recovery are greatly appreciated.

Oh, the trip with Chandra to Charlotte....LOL Well, after Lacy's appointment (which entailed us going past the Specialties Clinic due to Uncle Ed's misdirection to us! ), we took the wrong way on 485...which led us to an extended shopping trip. Now, y'all know I hate shopping with a passion, but I have to admit, I had a lot of fun! We ate lunch at Panera's, then went to Kohl's, then she took me to the World Market. Oh wow, I could have spent hours on end in this place! I can't wait until I get my own place and can actually decorate it how I want. I will definitely be going back there!

That's something else I'm looking forward to really, decorating how -I- want, not trying to please someone else. I already know how I want to do my bedroom!

Anyway, another good day on the road to many more!!

Thought for the Day: I will admit that I don't have all the answers. I will look and listen to the experience of others for the answers I need.

...as my friend Holly would say.

Happy New Year everyone! I hope y'all are having a great one. Its absolutely beautiful here today.

With the New Year, I'm making some changes. For example, this blog....I'm going to turn it into something positive. Out with the old, in with the new, as the saying goes! I'm going to make a point of updating it regularly, even if its just a thought for the day. I've been making a lot of changes over this holiday season, good changes. I'm leaving the past behind and looking forward to a healthy and happy future! It feels so good to be in a place that I can just be myself. I don't have to try to make someone else happy, which is really impossible anyway. I can only control myself, no one else. Right now, I'm very happy and content. I'm enjoying being around my family, knowing I'm part of it, that I'm loved, that I'm supported in what I'm trying to do here. Now, if we can avoid having to have surgery done on Lacy's back, that would be even better!! Poor girl, she's in so much pain right now. With each day though, its really looking like surgery will be needed.

Anyway, here's to a New Year and a better tomorrow! No more rollercoasters, no more mind games, no more emotional upheavals, just happy, joyous, and free! Finally!

Oh, I've changed my cellphone number for reasons obvious to those that have it. If I haven't sent you the new one yet, just drop me a note!

Thought for the Day: I can look anyone in the eye without shame. I am grateful for the loving support that has made this possible.

Apparently...

My soon to be EX husband and his business partner thought that me posting her letter was a bad thing. He called my Aunt about it, and my cousin, and had it deleted. No, I won't repost the letter she wrote. He complained about a card I sent him weeks ago that just said I was grateful he had been in my life. He complained that I sent him a text message, well, that was two months ago. He accused me of having spyware on his business partner's computer. Hrm, they're computer experts, wouldn't they be able to tell if I had? I didn't put anything on her computer and they both know it. Oh, they also accused me of changing the letter, putting things in it that she didn't say. As I said in the original post, if you'd like a scanned copy with her signature, let me know. I didn't even fix her grammatical errors!

Now my husband is accusing me of taking their business tax returns. I've asked for them to be sent to my lawyer. Now, why would I be asking for them if I had them? Seriously, that makes absolutely no sense. Jim just doesn't want me to see anything, just like it was when we were together.

Look within yourself and love who you are!

Does it really matter...

As I said before, I've come to the conclusion that acceptance doesn't really matter other than to yourself. If you accept yourself, then you gain contentment and peace with who you are. You're better able to just smile and nod when you encounter others that for whatever reason, have issues with you. As long as you know you are doing the 'next right thing', then there will be nothing you feel the need to look back on and say 'what if I did this, or that'. The what ifs will get you every time!

Its the 'yets' you have to worry about! If you continue a road of deceit, by lies or omitions, by emotion deceit (pretending to feel one way about a situation to make others, or yourself, feel better, yet deep down you know you're angry, hurt, etc.), or by emotional absence..withdrawing emotionally, keeping others at arm's length to keep from being rejected or hurt, leaving them wondering what they've done to drive us away.

Continuing by those destructive behaviors opens you up to the 'yets'.

A life lived with these character flaws (we all have them, even the ones you see that seem so 'ut together' within ourselves inevitably brings us to the 'yets'. These are the things that have happened over and over to those that have been through our problems before us.

If we continue on our path of destruction, we will inevitably hit the 'yets'. You haven't yet lost a relationship that meant a lot to you, romantic, family, friendship, etc., yet...though is you continue on your path, you will. You don't see that yet, but if you look at your path and compare it to those that have travelled your path, it will happen.

This is just a taste of the differences in living a live of 'self-control' vs 'acceptance'.

Think about these things, I'll be posting later with more steps in a couple weeks.

I'm still dealing with my own acceptance issues, though now I'm able to just say that I'm doing what's the right thing, if that's not enough for others, then that's their problem. Not mine.

Look within yourself and love who you are!

Does it really matter...

When I was younger I thought it did. Though, the reasons that brought about that conclusion were due to the fact that I didn't enjoy being at home (long story). So, my escape was to be away from home, and be accepted by my 'friends'. At a young age, I learned to be whatever anyone wanted me to be. I learned to read what someone else wanted in the first few minutes of meeting them and attempted to please them in that way. Now, don't get me wrong, I mean in my personality only. In the process of doing this though, you lose sight of who you really are, even to yourself! I was always drawn to the eccentric, the esoteric, even the bazaar personalities because for me, it was easier to be accepted, with all my faults, than it was to those more 'main stream' and honestly, main stream bored me. Having a high intelligence combined with insecurity, low self-esteem, and a 'need' to please others, makes for a very bad combination! We won't mention the fact that I'm extremely easily bored and need something to stimulate my brain at all times! I obsessively research things that catch my interest, to this day.

Anyway, what I'm getting at is this. These last few months I've been working on some things within myself. I've learned a lot, and been taught by some very knowledgeable people that have been where I've been, that accepting who you are is much more important than anything else in life. I'm actually beginning to know myself! This is great, because I never have known. Well, maybe when I was 3 or 4, but the scarce memories I have of that were even a bit warped as one may say.

In the process of this transformation in myself, the ones around me that I'm close to really don't understand what they're seeing, and some may never be able to deal with the 'new' me. At first, this terrified me, because as I said, I've spent my life trying to be what everyone wanted from me. I wanted to be accepted! With some of these others, it doesn't get to me really bad. With some others, it hurts deeply. Though, I've accepted the fact that this is what I need to do for myself and if they can't handle it, well, then they can't. Though, I'm not willing to go back to the life I've lived before. I've now seen a life that, while there are still struggles and pain, its a lot more beautiful than what I've lived all these years.

Basically, I let others control me. Not that they were trying to do that, but because I let them do that because I just wanted to be accepted by them. It wasn't their fault, it was a character fault within myself. I could go into long explainations of this, but that's not for here.

Anyway, my point in all of this to anyone that reads it is this: You need to look within yourself, accept yourself for who you are. Others aren't as important as that! Once you can do that, you'll be surprised at what will open up before you!

And now I'm off to look at old pictures to see if I have anything worthy of posting! I can't wait until I have a new camera!!

Sorta here again...

Well, I'm back, at least here I am. We'll see how things go. I'm staying away from other online pursuits for the time being though as my life is sort of still chaotic at the moment. I'm planning on uploading some pix that my husband took last year in Norway soon. I haven't had a camera to take any new pix in a couple months now, but that'll change in a couple weeks. Until then, it'll just be pix that were taken a long time ago!

Hope things are going well with y'all and life is treating you well!

Gone for a bit..or indefinately

Life off here is more important. That's all that needs to be said. Thank you all for everything!

Cedarcreek's Daphne

Always loved, never forgotten....rest in peace my beautiful girl.

November 1st, 1991 - April 14th, 2007

One day at a time

Surviving, trying to be strong, putting on a smile when you want to cry, feeling like everything you do only makes things worse....yep, that's my life right now. It has to get better at some point. I'm trying though, really trying. It would help if I could get a little decent sleep I'm sure! Unfortunately, that's when my mind racing more than any other time during the day. That's normal though I guess. Plus, Daphne's really sick. She can't even stand up on her own right now. That has me really torn up inside. I'm going to see if Doc can take a look at her on Saturday, though I'm scared of what he'll say really. I know she's almost 16 years old now, but still.

Anyway, I've got work today...which is good. Something to concentrate on instead of everything else around me.

Gotta love them!

It's Monday! Whee!! The start of a new week, a fresh awakening, a chance to redo whatever you did wrong the previous week! Or, if you're pessimistic, the beginning of another dreary long work week. No matter how you look at it though, Monday (instead of the more appropriate Sunday) is a new beginning, sort of like New Years is to the year. Once again, the week starts over and here you are, deciding what you need to do, what you want to do, what you wish you -could- do, and hoping it will be a good one.

For me, I'm attempting to look at it optimistically. After the last month here, I need some good things to happen. I need hope. Hope that things do get better, hope that everything isn't lost, hope that I'm not as awful as some others seem to think I am. Actually, that last one, I know I'm not. Its just that I let others make me out to be that way because its easier for me instead of speaking up and saying 'hey, if that's how you feel, then why are you here?!'. The Rollercoaster I mentioned previously is still ongoing. Though, I have changed the way I’m dealing with it internally at least. I’ve weighed the pros and cons, debated within myself, decided what I can and cannot deal with (and what I'll do if the cannot occurs), and I’ve come to the conclusion that for now, the alternative would be more painful than the immediate situation. I have made some changes though. Changes that others wouldn’t see on the outside, but important to me all the same. I’ve also made contact with old friends, but I really need to follow up with one who’s around here and somehow found me! She has no idea how glad I am that she did though, because her timing couldn’t have been better. I’ve really missed her over the years (you know who you are!). It’s just been that the topsy turvey rollercoaster has gotten the better of me lately and when that happens, I crawl in my insulated cave, hoping that all the bad will disappear before I crawl out. Yea, yea, I know that’s not a good way to deal with things, but believe me…right now, it’s better than losing it completely like I did a little over a week ago. At least it keeps me from doing things that I really don’t want to do, aren’t good for me, are counterproductive, and just will destroy everything around me!

Anyway, that’s what is going on right now. A new day, a new week, a fresh start, and new adventures in the land of amusement!!

Oh, ever seen someone be so paranoid about something so ridiculous that it made you think they actually enjoyed feeling that way?? I’ve seen that lately, and I’m truly beginning to think that’s just how they want to live life. Oh well, I do hope they enjoy it! That’s a sidetrack though and just something that has lately just made me go…hmmm!!

Here's to friends, may the blessings of the Earth always protect you!!

Up, down, and around we go!

I wonder how many truly love rollercoasters. I mean, seriously....what is it about these contraptions that make us ride them over and over again until our bodies revolt! I can remember times when I've gotten up the next morning with bruises all over me from the metal bars after I'd ridden one so many times. What is it about freefalling, being slammed from one side to the other, spinning upside down on some, going airborn, and getting whiplash that entices us? It would make sense that we would avoid these results instead of seeking them out!

In thinking about this phenomenon, it comes to mind that it's the same thing we do with relationships. Emotional rollercoasters. One day up, the next day down, a little plateau and then all over again. Once in awhile even, they'll throw you for a loop or two! Riding these 'emotional rollercoasters' exhilarate some. With others, like me, it simply wears us out to the point of swearing we'll never ride one again. Then, someone will come along and convince us we'll enjoy the ride once more and off we go, to ride that train again convinced it'll be better this time!

The question is, is it worth it? Is it worth the frustration, turmoil, insecurity, vulnerability, and pain just for that brief glimpse you have of a possible future? At times I think it is. At other times, I question my judgement regarding that. I'm riding one of these trains right now and honestly, there are moments I just want to scream 'Let me off of this ride!!'. Though, then I get that brief glimpse again and resign to ride just a little longer in hopes that it'll eventually pull in to that peaceful station where everything is beautiful once more.

I don't know, I suppose I'll just hold on the best that I can for the time being and see what happens around the next turn. These rides can't last forever, can they??